toddsilva.com

Licorice, our 12 year old German Shepherd, passed away on Christmas Eve.

I had been talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago about life and living, and at some point in our conversation, he made the comment that he was now very happy and content because he is no longer afraid of dying. He’s in his sixties. And he’s totally at peace with the possibility that he could go at anytime.

Licorice’s passing made me realize that I am not yet OK with dying. I still fear it, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t even want to think about it. I want to believe that it is a very long way off.

My wife and I were talking again yesterday morning (Christmas morning) about Licorice, and I was able to go a little deeper into how this was making me feel. I came to realize it’s not that I fear death so much as I fear not living life fully, each day, while I’m still here.

And that’s one of the greatest things about our dogs, our beloved pets, our buddies – they teach us unconditional love, and joy, and acceptance, by modeling it every day. No matter what is going on, no matter whether they’re in pain or not, no matter even whether we show up for them or not, they’re always there for us. They live every day like it’s a brand new day, and they don’t hold onto anything.

I am having a hard time feeling right now. Or maybe what I’m having a hard time with is understanding what my feelings are. I’ve got so many of them.

I do know, though, that I am very grateful that God brought Licorice to our family. And I am grateful that God brought Licorice back home on Christmas Eve.

Blessings,

Todd

You may or may not know that I had a radio show on the Law Of Attraction Radio Network for close to a year – the Give Away A Dollar A Day show. I was excited when I first started it, but soon realized that it was taking quite a bit of time to prepare for each show. That’s probably my perfectionist at work, but I don’t partake in any new venture without giving it more than 100%.

Why is this a big deal? Because what I really want to do is play, create, and compose music. That’s what makes my heart light up. I was doing the radio show at the wishes of others and to try and get the idea of Give Away A Dollar A Day out there even more. But what I was really doing was spending more time preparing for the show, which meant less time with music. So I knew that I needed to make a decision. And quite honestly, my heart was no longer in the show.

My last “officially scheduled” show was today, a show that I had set up with my guest around eight months ago. Because I had lost my juice for doing the show, I was hoping that my guest had forgotten about eight months later. Well, there was a lesson for me in this, because my guest hadn’t forgotten… In fact, he emailed me two days before the show asking if it was still a go. My first response to him was, “Yes, it’s still scheduled”. But I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t prepared at all. I really didn’t know what we were going to talk about. I didn’t even want to do the show. I called him on the phone and was honest about closing the show down. I suggested to him that we not do it, and he seemed OK with it. (Although, if I was in his shoes, I would have been pissed at the lack of integrity I had displayed by not letting him know sooner).

What was my real lesson in this? Well, I think there were a few… To begin with, I was not “letting go” of the show that I really didn’t want to do anymore. I want to play music, not run a radio show. So, in truth, the one I was out of integrity with was myself. Secondly, I was afraid to tell my guest that I wanted to cancel, because I thought that he would hate me, or reject me, or both. So when I canceled the show, I took that risk. The risk of rejection. But somehow, I felt clean, and relieved.

I think the overall story in this is honesty. I had to look at myself in the mirror and ask, “Am I really being honest with me right now?”

Thank you, I just needed to say this.

Blessings,

Todd